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strangerthanfictive · 3 months ago

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Recognizing You Have a Fictitious Identity

An Informal Discussion Between 2 Fictive Headmates Key - Sorrel - Sorrel Accent Text - Aster - Aster Accent Text Why am I me? Why did the brain choose him out of countless other characters to make a pitiful clone of? That was the first mystery I had to solve; the homework the doc gave me. And I know it was for the best that things move fast, yeah? A head-start before I get a chance to start to feel things about this "life," these "memories" I have that are just fabrications of a broken mind. But then I also needed to recall those memories of this person that I really am (but feel like I'm suddenly inhabiting) to figure it out in the first place. I remember thinking; how in the hell am I going to go about this? Rewatch the show, and take notes whenever I feel like something aligns with our trauma? Is the doc expecting me to, like, draw up a venn diagram and bring it next week? Do I just think about the two of me—of body and fiction—and the answer will just come to me? Honestly, I didn't even think about that question for months. I asked myself why I was here moreso in the sense that I was stuck in someone else's body and needed to find a way to get home so that they could get their body back and I could get back to my family. It took me nearly a year to actually realize that we're all part of the same whole; that I took on this identity and more importantly, that I could part with it should I want to. I remember that call with our therapist very vividly. I was seeing her—"my" mother—as in, hallucinating her corpse in places nearly nightly beyond just nightmares. Her body is never explicitly shown in the comics, and our imagination filled in the blanks. I had broken down crying, and I was telling our therapist; "I'm so tired. I don't want to be him anymore!" Without hesitation, she told me,

"You don't have to be."

...And I was gobsmacked. I was thinking, What do you mean? I have all of these memories and I've held onto them for 11 months! It cannot be that simple. Ironically, just as I had that thought, I realized...yes, yes it absolutely was that simple. I did not have to subject myself to someone else's trauma—let alone someone who isn't real—when, frankly, I have my own tonterías to deal with.

I had the privilege of being your successor, being the second fictive on the block, and you told me pretty much day 1 that I don't need to have any sort of connection or feeling about my source. That of course helped, but I think it was also easier on me with it being a show. I could just look up the actor and see yeah, he's got a whole other life and other roles. On top of that, by rewatching it, I'm seeing the stuff I remember as my memories from the perspective of an omniscient camera—how I'm supposed to in the first place, and not through a character's eyes. Being a fictive of live action media VS illustration...it's no contest on what's easier to shake yourself out of.

But still, that question just loomed over me. Why him? Obviously, the doc didn't tell me I had to completely figure it out in a week, but I do love a distraction from my own existential dread challenge. So I hyperfixated on unpacking every bit of trauma this sorry bloke had to see if there were any parallels for basically every bit of free time I had. I honestly don't remember how long it took; whether I got it done in the week. I just remember the moment it clicked for me. I find it so fascinating how she handled our cases in reverse. We didn't start to unpack the "why" of my source until after I had changed my name, appearance, and age.

That might be thanks to you, mate. You didn't know any better than to treat your "memories" as real off the bat.

That's a very good point. In the event that there are more fictives in our system going forward, they may reach a point of understanding fact from fiction even quicker than you. But I digress.

I don't think I ever asked myself, "Why him?" An answer came to me without me truly seeking one out. That answer certainly explained a lot about me, but nevertheless, it just didn't occur to me to question why I took on that form. Perhaps if I had done so, I may have spared myself a lot of pain, but there's no instruction manual on how to cope with waking up in a strange body and everything you know to be your life being a work of fiction.

Well, that's the point of writing out our talks, isn't it? We're not really qualified to write, like, a whole scientific book on OSDD or the ✨plural experience✨ but we can definitely have chats about how we specifically feel and how we got to a...semi-stable place. Worst case, our thoughts go to the void. Best case, it might reach someone interested in our stories. Our real stories. Not to, you know, be confused to the ones we spawned from, haha. So if anyone actually is reading this, hi! Glad you dropped by. Let us know if you have any questions about ourselves. I think we got the ask box set up proper with anon and everything.

I think that's all for our discussion tonight. Perhaps, if we want to cover the basic aspects of being a fictive, we should speak next on grief. I briefly touched on mine already, but you have a unique perspective, Sorrel, as you've met and befriended another fictive from your source. Getting right into the angst, are we? Perhaps. But you've proposed we discuss our recovery process on this blog, and coping with grief is a sizeable portion of that process. You're right. Not chuffed about it, but you're right. We can talk about it next. Until then, I look forward seeing what happens with this chat, if anything. Good talk, mate. Good talk.

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poshwitchx · 7 months ago

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Broken hearted One </3

For the first time in my life. I only want to talk to my family. No friends. No boys. No one but my family. It's a weird feeling. But I deleted my social medias and all I care about is taking care of my kids, working, and going to church. Keeping up with my family, and chasing my goals. Talking to so many people just seems like wasted time over the years. Especially random people who aren't on my level or have the same morals and values I want to achieve. So maybe, when I'm ready I will make new friends. But I just went through a weird breakup. He lied about something so odd. I was in it genuinely and clearly, he was not. But lesson learned. I'm not mean't to be with anyone. I mean fuck... I didn't sleep with anyone for 2 years until him... and I had hoped he was the one... now I just feel used and dirty. Against God to. One of the ten commandments. And people can say oh its 2024 it's fine blah blah, but sexx means a whole lot more to me than just sex. It's a spiritual and loving and sensual connection to me and now that I'm heartbroken I feel like I was stupid giving myself away again to someone I thought loved me. Jokes on me once again. I'll get over it. But this time is different. I don't want to meet anyone new. I think when you love someone for real you don't automatically rebound to someone new if you truly loved that person, and I did truly love him regardless of his lies and fairytales. I loved him for him. But he couldn't even love himself for him. He had such a high standard for himself because of some ex bitch who hurt him. And he hurt me just like he hurt her and I didn't deserve any of that... Now I can sit and bitch about it all day... but I think it's just the fact that once you truly open up to someone, let your walls down, get vulnerable... that's when you really find out if someone's there for you or not, and majority of the time... they are not. It's a sad harsh truth. Unless the person is truly there for you, then on the other hand, once you drop your walls, they see it as weakness, they have a power over you to control you and your emotions. To slide into a dance of games instead of honesty and loyalty. It becomes a charade and the face of the Joker is in front of you. A pokerface. Waiting to pounce on you for being real and loyal and honest. The dreaded Jekyll and Mr Hyde comes out and BOOM. You get heartbroken again. Another person, another face, another heartbreak, another cry. Then you end up single in a bar, online, tinder, whatever means of meeting and you are meeting another single and your both broken from your exs. And wam, you think your in love and the cycle repeats. You have a fling that lasts a month to a few years, and boom. Heartbroken again. New problems different face. It's literally happened to me so many times. And yet I still somehow have this sad belief that true love actually exists. Merely due to the fact that is someone like me exists who is loyal and kind and doesn't cheat and doesn't play mind games... if someone like me exists then doesn't that mean someone else besides me, like me exists out there? Wouldn't that surely be my soulmate? Or maybe I am just a delusional idiot. Loves not real.... but according to psychology, science, health, and history, LOVE is surely real. I think these younger generations just do not fully grasp the concept of love and how it takes devotion and hard work to love someone unconditionally and to even let someone go so that they can grow, that that, in itself is also love. So to conclude my rantings of a broken heart... I would only wish him the best. I hope he gets sober and actually goes to a rehab. I hope that he can find God. I hope that he can learn to see himself the way I saw him without all the layers on top. Just to see himself with true self love. I fell for him. And it hurts letting go, but I am older now and been heartbroken enough times to be able to one let go, two move on, and three to love someone from afar no matter their flaws and sins. We are all sinners, all flawed, all feel unloveable, and insecure.

#heartbreak #heartbroken #broken hearted #sad #sad girl #breakup #blog #writing #blah

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dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth · 7 months ago

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So y'all, I have some possible good news tonight.

When I was in school, every dreaded moment there was hell on Earth. It's a small town, with one elementary, one middle, and one high school. No alternatives available unless you pay a boatload, and drive out of town daily to attend. There's no way else to reach those schools. Everyone who goes to this town most often goes to those three schools and graduates from them, most starting kindergarten and ending 12th grade there and never moving between.

But through the hell that it was, my only saving grace was my friends. And most of them I still keep close contact with to this day.

However, I had one friend. I'll call her J.

I'd met J in 1st grade, and we stuck together ever since. But as we approached high school, I learned more about J. Her situation at home. Her horrible parents who cut off all outside contact capabilities, would not give her a phone, forbade her from accessing any electronic devices whatsoever, forbade her from having social media of any sort, etc. Despite how small our town was, I had not a clue which house she lived in, only the general location. J was seeking an escape, any way out, and I tried my damndest to help her for years but there was nothing I could do.

No less, J and I stuck together the whole way. She saw me through my darkness of fighting dysphoria, coming out, and receiving 7 denials for testosterone, through my many years long diagnosis of the mystery diseases I had which turned out to be lupus and arthritis, and she saw me through my bulimia and got the nurses in the school to help me when I was too scared to reach out and get any help.

J was my best friend of best friends in school.

But graduation was our goodbye. On that football field where the ceremony was held, she and I smiled and posed for a picture that is all but lost as far as I'm aware. We hugged, separated, and that was it. My lifelong friend and I haven't seen one another since. And just as before, I had no way to reach her, no way to find her, and nowhere to contact her safely if I did know her location. For all I knew, she'd gone through with her plans to fly to Florida and join the workforce. I had no idea.

But the internet is a great friend. I thought for a while about doing one of those people searches, but last I'd done one was like 2014, and that was about as accurate as flying cars.

Today I decided on a total whim to try searching again. This time, for J.

And there, I found an address and phone number. After some more cautious digging, I found the phone number belongs to her mother, so that was a no-go. But the address for J? It was apart from her parents, her family. Nobody she's related to lives with her.

So I went ahead, and I wrote a good ol' fashioned letter. Addressed to J, at her new place.

And at the end, I remembered I had one photo. It's from our high school years, when she and I went on a marching band trip together 11 hours away from home by bus. On the trip itinerary was a small cruise that left the harbor for a few hours and sailed us around the water for a bit, then came back. But at the entrance, everyone's picture was taken with their friends.

Me and J had ours taken together.

At the end of the ride, the company sold the printed photos for $20 each. It was all I had, $20. Nothing more. But I used it all to buy that photo, because something inside told me to hold onto it. Never lose it.

I scanned that photo tonight and made a copy, then enclosed it with J's letter. But just as well, seeing as I've changed my appearance quite a bit since then, I enclosed a photo of myself from last month.

I didn't even realize it until after I compared both photos for a moment.

Go back almost a decade, I'm wearing the same exact vest, and the same exact Mjolnir, as I am here and now, in 2024. I may have changed in a lot of ways, but all the same, so much has remained the same.

And I just think. And I hope. I hope my letter reaches J safely, and that she reaches out to me, and knows I'm still the same old Magnus she loved and knew back then.

And all the same, I hope to see her better than she was, happier, and free. I wish her the best constantly, and maybe I'll find out. I'll be waiting...

Here's to hope, and friendship. The only things that have kept me alive since forever. And most of all, here's to hoping J and I find each other again, after so many years apart.

#mega save #happy

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meowmeowmessi · 2 years ago

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Maybe i am being too cynical but i feel people are romanticizing a return too much... if Barcelona are the childhood sweetheart, then they're a toxic one 💀 Idk I just want to see him in his last years of career happy but like others have said, it feels like it is being considered kinda out of desperation because of not moving his family and being the only option beside PSG :(

no bc i completely understand where you're coming from— hell, i myself have been saying i would've preferred city over barça for messi for a while now. but there's no way messi is choosing any club other than fc barcelona if they're a legitimate option: his heart bleeds blaugrana through and through. i'm trying to remain optimistic by reminding myself he's most likely not going to be the "main man" on the pitch like he used to be —especially during his carryjob era (harrowing times)— if he does return, and though this will definitely not shift the blame media and, hell, even some fans will inevitably place on his shoulders when barça bottles games bc he'll always be the face of the club, i try to take comfort in knowing that after winning the world cup and basically completing football, maybe he'll find the weight of that burden not as crushing as it used to be and just have fun (lofty dreams, i know, bc he's messi and he'll never not take barça's loss personally).

and yes, i thoroughly dread the fact that messi will probably stain his pristine record of never having to play in the europa league (rip) if this deal goes through, but i think this one twt succinctly explains why we (and messi himself) decided to subject ourselves to this torture the day he put his signature on that napkin in 2000:

#sometimes i wish i was a madridista life would've been so much easier. but alas my dad and this midget decided to ruin my life instead #huge asterisk over this whole response bc we don't even know if the move will be successful lmao #for all we know nasser's already made good on his kidnapping and torture allegations and forced messi into renewing idk #i have so many doubts and questions but i NEED him out of psg and dreary paris that's sucking all the joy out of football for him AND me #also ngl im already dreaming abt a pedri-messi linkup lmao i really am setting myself up for heartbreak aren't i #fucking hell [head in hands]#asks

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purplesurveys · 1 year ago

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1739

Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) As far as I know, my paternal grandparents – they'll be hitting 54 years next year. My maternal grandparents also remained married for I think around 52 years, but my grandpa passed away in 2015.

Do you have any Eastern European ancestry? I very much doubt that.

Where is your car parked right now? Our carport.

When did you last travel alone? Where were you going? I've never traveled alone, but my last trip without my family was in June when I went to Bangkok with friends. I'm still in awe we got to pull that off, and all for a concert.

Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Of course. My Asian ancestors and I would find it horrifying otherwise.

What’s your favorite movie series? Twilight is probably the only movie series I've seen from start to finish – and I will do it over and over again until my dying breath haha.

How are you feeling today? A little stressed on one side, but I'm also actively trying to calm myself down given it's the weekend and I deserve at least two days to relax and take some weight off my shoulders hahaha.

Look to the right - what’s the first thing you see? Just a couch pillow. And the wall.

^^ What does that thing remind you of? How my ex broke the springs on one part of this couch like, 3 days into my parents buying said couch.

What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? Ash brown.

What is something that’s considered a luxury, but you wouldn’t want to live without? A phone.

Do you want to move anytime soon? Uh not really, I'm not in a rush.

Did you have coffee this morning? Of course. I'm also on my second coffee today, currently.

How good/bad was the quality of education you received in high school? I'd say it was pretty excellent – it's some of the teachers that were the problem. Some of them liked to take things so personally (blatantly disliking students for no reason, like wtf?) it felt so ridiculous to be there and watch it just happen. I was super annoyed with it from the onset that just to amuse and distract myself I'd also just subtly let them know back that I didn't like them and what they were doing. I'm sure I hit a few nerves during my time there but it wasn't like they could do anything because I did well in my classes and held a few leadership positions lol.

What was the most interesting year of your life, and why? 2021 was very fascinating. I went from planning a Recklessly Permanent Deed to finding BTS, turning my life around, meeting new friends, and realizing what happiness feels like.

What was the first social media site you ever used? I don't think it counts as social media but it was a local forum marketed for tween/teen girls.

Do you have any exes you really regret dating? I wouldn't say the regret fully points to the ex per se, but more so on the time wasted. I invested so much (ultimately) unnecessary effort and energy when I could've been doing other things. What brand of laundry detergent do you use? We use Tide.

Are you prone to mood swings? Mostly during work.

Have you ever lied on a resume? Or even in a job interview? I have mostly been honest. I'm incapable of living on a lie.

Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? My mom's younger brother's family. As icy as our relationship has gotten, they do objectively have a nice house hahaha.

What was the last thing you bought, other than food? A new vape pen.

Do you smoke? Or vape? Just vape. I wouldn't turn down a cigarette, but I'd also never buy a pack for myself.

What are you dreading right now? Becoming a director, uugggGhhhhghggGGHGHGHHHH.

What brought about the end of the worst relationship you’ve been in? It was just an ugly buildup of six years' worth of differences and incompatibilities.

Where was the last place you spent the night other than your own home? Our Airbnb in Nasugbu.

Do you have any step- or half-siblings? Nope.

Have you ever been catcalled? Duh.

How old were you when you started scheduling your own doctors appointments? 22 or 23, I think?

Have you ever driven across an international border? Yup, when we went from Singapore to Malaysia.

When was the last time you spoke to a neighbor? 3-4 months ago when we needed help to jumpstart my car.

Is your best friend male or female? Female.

When was the last time you washed your bed sheets? Around a month ago.

What do people always seem to think is weird about you? I dunno. You'd have to ask them because I've never been told anything about this to my face lol.

Ever notice how high schools in movies/tv shows are portrayed way differently than in real life? Yeah, but I get it. You have to dramatize things like that to make them more interesting to watch because life is pretty boring for the most part.

Do you ever braid your hair? No.

What food sounds the most appetizing right now? I'm full, thanks.

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myahawkins · 2 years ago

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#1 A place for me - After college I wasn't the most clueful person on really what to do with my life... and because I've never really been the most social of people (Me being the poster child for Introverted shutins) I kind of didn't have... anyone... so I was left with the decision to either stay in Nebraska or move back home to Kansas.

Nebraska had nothing for me really (Except a fresh start) and Kansas wasn't bad for someone like me especially since... I left a lot of people behind when I went to college. People I wish I had kept in contact with all throughout the years. So I decided about 3 1/2 months ago to come home and try and rekindle the flames I once had with old friends.

When I got home, I stayed with my mother for a week before ending up finding/leasing my current apartment for a dual contract (one years lease) while staying in my old room, pretty much just as I left it. I started to spiral a bit, I wasn't ever the one to feel depressed really, I kind of just... idk feel sad and mope, but never felt... depression... or at least I wouldn't classify myself as depressed.

So as I sat in my room alone. I watch as my little somethings that kept me satisfied normally, slowly fade to big ol nothings. I moved into my apartment via a moving company, and was setup completely by the end of the next day.

It wasn’t until then I realized I had enough money to honestly sit back for awhile (take time to figure things out) so I did, and in that time I tried to find those old friends of mine online through social media.

I thought honestly it'd be the easiest thing in the world, but as I searched for their names and profiles everywhere... I didn't just find nothing but other people with shared names or empty blank dead profiles... but nothing at all.

I searched for EVERYONE, but... no one came up... I was filled immediately with this existential dread, for the first time in my life, I fell into a spiraling panic and depression state... I... was so... scared.

Then... I found someone... the last person I'd ever think to find after such a long time... such a dreadful, painful figure that brought nothing but suffering and douchbaggery to everywhere he went. Someone who truly gave no fucks. Someone with no allegiances whatsoever.

The Demon, The Rage Creature, The Attacking Beast, The Devil Himself... The Destroyer. He in the past was nothing short of every fathers worst nightmare boyfriend for their daughter's.

The Destroyer was someone who did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted... at the cost of everyone in his life or any unfortunate passer-by. He was a biological robot. Dead eyes and reactions based on the emotional responses he could force from you.

His hands completely tatted, with a big vapor wave lobster upon his kneck. He was made of muscle, someone who walked into a store and eyes were locked on him from start to finish (granted because he looked like a dirty street rat, because he was)

He was kind of terrifying, especially since he was always in some kind of fight or illegal activity, he was a thief, a thug, a lying manipulating abusive power addict with an authority complex with no emotional barrier to stop him from hurting others. He was... the worst.

But, There he was. A lone active record pinged by my D.L.R.B. (Software that allows full record searches of a name spanning across internet archives that can be connected to regional data to ping a person's location)

I had everything I needed to find him, but one dosen't simply just approach someone as feral as this, no. I found through the search, his forklift license, and to where it was currently registered to aka his work.

I scouted out the area and his work building for a couple days, so I could get eyes on him, and figure out his schedule somewhat. I seen him one day and couldn't believe it was him.

He was smaller and less jacked, looked like a skeleton of his prior self. And I couldn't see his bright kneck tattoo. I was... confused to say the least, a little... angry? for some reason.

I walked to the front door of his work and banged on it, to garner the attention of that fucking rat. I was met with a lackey that worked with The Destroyer. I asked for him. He said ok ill get him. I hid behind the stairs leading out from the door.

He came out, and I snuck up behind him... leg sweeped him, knocking him on his ass, putting my boot on his kneck, asking all the questions I was owed... especially as to why... he looked like shit.

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insipid-drivel · 6 months ago

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I gotta speak up and echo @junos-office-drama's pleas to not force children to read books they struggle to understand or genuinely hate! I was one of the many, many kids out there that had to survive the dreaded Required Reading Lists in school, and had it not been for my bibliophile stepfather supplying me with good books that I genuinely enjoyed reading (and studying!), I may have never become an enthusiastic writer, and wouldn't ever read for pleasure.

For me, it started in 4th grade with the short story, "All Summer In A Day" by Ray Bradbury. I was 10, and for those who haven't read it, the gist of it is that a young girl from Earth is the only native-born Earthling in her class in a human civilization that lives on another planet where it constantly rains. For only 1 day every decade or something, the rain would stop and the sun would shine, and the little girl was desperately waiting to see the sun again for the first time since her parents moved with her away from Earth. She winds up being bullied and locked in a supply closet during the hour of sunlight, and the story ends sadly as she misses her one opportunity for the next decade to see the sun again.

I read the story. I understood the story. I hated the story so much that I didn't trust recommended books from that teacher again, because I felt like I'd just been forced - with my grades as collateral - to read something that I found deeply upsetting, and future repetitions with other books like "The Giver" (which features a graphic scene where a newborn baby is euthanized in excruciating detail), "Of Mice And Men", and "The Grapes of Wrath".

I understood the books. I understood them very well. I hated them and, especially after, "Of Mice And Men", never wanted to touch another book recommended to me by a teacher again. Reading for class wasn't fun anymore. It felt... like I came away beaten up and bruised emotionally with every book report. I didn't want to read these stories, especially after specific scenes that truly disturbed and upset me as a young child/early teen, and to this day passionately hate both the teachers that made me read them by holding my grades hostage, but also the authors themselves, who put such ugly and graphic images in my head when I wasn't ready for it that I can never bring myself to read any more of their books to this very day, all the way in my 30's.

Reading, at least for kids, should feel like a positive and rewarding experience. It should be fun. I'm not saying that all children should never be required to read important literature by great writers, but they also shouldn't be punished for expressing distress at finding certain stories and scenes too graphic to force themselves to read through and study. It takes away the rewarding feeling of reading a book with a story that has you genuinely enjoying making time to read it, and further proves to kids and young adults that visual media is superior to the written word. Required reading of dour books like "To Kill A Mockingbird", while important for discussing history, morals, and ethics, shouldn't be forced on a kid that's distraught by the rabid dog scene, or else parents and teachers are just further motivating young people to view visual media (which they have much more control over) to written media (which is Work to them because of these damned lists of sad-ass books that aren't fun for most kids to read).

I think we'd see a lot more successful authors out there and a revival of books and written word as a source of entertainment if we focused on the pleasures storytelling can bring to young people, rather than the hard life lessons adults are often too scared to address with children directly.

people will read books they Do Not Like™ and then wonder why they hate reading

#long posts #required reading #things i hate about school

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codegengar · 1 year ago

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schoolwork has slowed (as there are no pressing deadlines until starting next week, but i have not done any catching up on the lectures i have skipped...) and i am unemployed as of this week, so i have had a lot of time to myself once again.

there is such a striking contrast, now that i think about it between last week and the past few days. although those volatile, anger filled emotions from last week were facilitated by my job, i sometimes recoil in mental shock from the state of dissociative dread i relapse into once i do not have any form of human contact (besides my partner) throughout the week.

i felt that i was actually pretty stable the last two days as i had a lot of chores to do, as well as the fact that my partner was happy with me as i let him have sex with me. for the most part, i have refused most advances (basically everyday) and i feel like it does affect how his mood. this has happened early in our relationship, but i feel a little worse as now that we cohabitate together. besides the potential to contract more utis, i just feel so ugly. i do not have any desire to engage in any sexual activity anymore. although he might argue otherwise as i still masterbate, it's more as a habit for a quick dopamine hit (like doom scrolling on social media) than something i actually wish to do. today is another day where i refused in the morning, and he did not give me an enthusiastic good bye as he left for work.

i have this aggravating tendency to have my mood be dictated by how i perceive how people treat me. so i think this set the tone for the rest of today — just feeling a bit worthless and lost. i had done a lot of chores for the last two days, so there is nothing easy to throw myself into (another task that i need to do is organize / tidy up the two desks we have, but that will take up a lot of mental energy), unless i want to do the dishes for the 6th time this week (it is only wednesday!).

i feel like i tried so hard to set myself up for success, but i just disappoint myself every time. i bought an ipad, a floor desk, new stationery... yet i am paralyzed by the very thought of being productive in any capacity — whether it be a creative hobby, chores, schoolwork, or weight loss. eating pasta at 9pm for dinner definitely did not contribute to the latter.

how can i find the motivation to live life how i want to? i have asked this in therapy and i have thought about it a lot (but maybe not as much as i should), but moving away from your toxic, dysfunctional family does not make everything suddenly better. hell, maybe i hold the delusion that by being away from them five out of seven days a week, i suddenly do not have mental illness. even bigger hell, now that i have put forth these thoughts into a physical reality, i am treating and comparing myself to the capabilities of a neurotypical person. but i can be doing better. (that's the perfectionist in me talking.)

as my university friends start to graduate one by one, the more mentally isolated i feel from my peers since i am not only older but that _i don't care about academia_. maybe if i was younger and more passionate (and less cognitively damaged) i would fair well in university... but at this point i am just going because my parents want me to be academically credited for something as if that would help me in my future (well, it is better than nothing, i guess).

side note, i just realized that my spotify wrapped is out and seeing the music artist messages really helped me a lot. i feel kind of cheated that two of my top artists french composers though. i only listened to classical piano songs to help me sleep early in the year. gymnopédie by erik satie does slap though (but does it really need to be my number one spotify song for 2023?).

i'm playing valorant with some online friends, so i'll cut these thoughts short for tonight. maybe more later.

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straycatboogie · 2 years ago

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2023/06/06 English

BGM: The Charlatans - Here Comes a Soul Saver

A friend of mine gave me a comment to this journal. He taught a word "gaijyu naigo". It is exactly alive and "working" as a booster in me. He said that "it is different from enduring and being tolerant. You should say what you have to say to the world". Remembering that, today I said to my boss about a piece of mistake I had found at my workplace. She said "OK, we're gonna fix it". And this afternoon, although this is not related with that "gaijyu naigo" episode, a Russian friend asked me honestly about this journal. About the memories I couldn't use the system of welfare... As I wrote many times, I had no purpose or ambition to start writing this journal. All I had thought was just I wanted to share something with my friends, and I started this to tell them my "weird" daily life. And now, this journal certainly connects us. I'm really grateful about that. During writing this journal, the situation around me has been changing drastically. And also, I am changing. Am I walking forward? I hope I could do so.

In a way, I am really a great daydreamer. Or, if I can choose simpler words, then it will be described as "an idiot". Even though it is such a difficult era to live, I am believing that communication is basically important. Therefore I am learning English, and also I never stop expressing myself on various social media. That would be related with the fact I had been bullied in schools. I had to experience really irrational communication. Classmates said to me "Everybody would agree with me" and "You must be stupid". They didn't accept what I was saying. Through that traumatic events, I started thinking that "successes in communication" or "delivering meanings in communication" are primary enigmatic. Why can we deliver the things on communication what we want to say? If I start thinking that, then I find that it is not far from Wittgenstein's profound philosophy. In other words, that Wittgenstein's one is not difficult for me because it is really actual about that kind of our ordinary life. The same things can be said when we talk about Haruki Murakami's or Kafka's literature.

After the work, I went to the English conversation class. I could meet the teacher again. Today we talked about "June". We talked about the fact that American culture has "Father's Day" and "Juneteenth" to celebrate. And also, we talked about what will we remind of when we hear the word "June". I talked loosely as "It is rainy season in Japan, and Hydrangea's season. Summer solstice...". Indeed, I am an autistic person so not good at this kind of talking (chitchat?). But I didn't want to escape from that with saying "Sorry, I don't want to do this". I just talked about the things I could think of as saying "we should welcome errors" or "nice error! (this is the thing another friend had taught me)". The teacher had already known my autism so answered me really kindly. I'm glad to her tenderness. I thought that I should move my foot actually to keep on our activity. As Haruki Murakami says in his "Dance Dance Dance", We should "keep on dancing".

Remembering... I had wanted to become a writer in my teenage days. I also thought I wanted to learn English literature because I had an interest in doing translation as Haruki Murakami (in Japan, he has been known not only as an author, but a translator). And I learned English actually, but in the end I couldn't become any of them. In my 20s and 30s I had to wander the really deep pond of alcohol addiction... Someone asked me as "can you read English?", and I answered "Even if I could do so, this rural area wouldn't enable me to use that skill", and "my career must be useless in this situation". Yes, I had spent really wasteful, dread days... But when I became my 40, I started learning English again for the simple pleasure, not thinking about improving/polishing my career. Then, that English learning started connecting me with a lot of foreign friends... On Discord, MeWe, and WhatsApp, I can connect myself with a lot of people in English. Once a friend said to me "You are my idol". Ah, C'est la vie. When I had been soaked into alcohol, I tried to think "everything in my life must be meaningless". But now, like this, I think "even if everything would be nonsense, learning must have a certain pleasure". Yes, we are changing, and this world/this era are also changing. As Bob Dylan sings.

#diary #english #journal #online diary #tumblr diary

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ziee · 3 years ago

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Yb(TeddyBear) x Reader

"Before I go, I wanted to get you something special." Your dad says, turning around to rummage in his bag. You watched his back in curiosity, wondering what he would have gotten his 22-year-old daughter. He was going on a business trip for about 2 weeks, but every time spent away from you, your dad always got you something. Mostly plushies, or some childish stickers. It started as a kid, your dad would always have to leave due to business trips, so it's kind of sweet he still does it.

"Tada!" He excitedly says, turning around while holding a large plush in his hands. In his hands, he held a rather large stuffed bear. It wore a black vest with a blue shirt, housing a rather cute black and white heart. It's fur was grey, with large blue eyes.

You smiled at him, thinking that the bear was incredibly cute for just being a stuffed bear. "Aw dad, he's so adorable!" You squealed, taking the bear from your dad's hands. He puffed out his chest in pride due to your reaction.

"I bought him in the cafe next to your work, they said he was one of a kind. I'm pretty sure he has a name too, check the tag." You rolled the tag on the bear's back around and looked at the tiny words. Your boyfriend- Peter!

"So your names Peter huh?" You smile and hold the bear to your chest. "Thank you dad, this is much better than those paw patrol stickers from last time." You playfully roll your eyes as your dad clutches his chest in a playful manner.

"You hurt me Y/n, I thought that was your favorite show." He fakes his painful expression as you laugh.

"Yeah, from like when I was 5!" You shout at your dramatic dad. Once the giggling fades, you move in to hug him. "Stay safe, ok?" You mumble into his chest. Your dad wraps his arms around you, pulling you tighter in.

"I'll be back before you know it." He kisses the top of your head and lets you go, moving to enter his car. As he drives off, you wave goodbye. Returning your focus on the bear in your arms, you smile as you run your fingers through his soft fur. Entering the house, you make your way towards your bedroom.

Placing the bear on your bed, you settle him between your pillows before leaving the room. "What to do now.." You mumble just as your stomach growls. Food, of course. You hadn't even eaten breakfast. It was just 5 minutes past 9 AM. Your dad usually leaves early on business trips, so you wake up to say goodbye.

Entering the kitchen, you go to prepare some food. The day moves on as you do your usual activities on your off days. Clean the house, get some groceries, dread going to work the next day. You decided to try and relax, preparing a hot enough to melt your bones bath. Perfect.

You stripped in the bathroom, setting your clothes on the counter before realizing you forgot one thing. Wrapping a towel around your nude body, you enter your room for a candle to light. You then notice how your bear was suddenly not on your bed. Your brows furrow as you stepped closer to your bed before feeling a soft plush under your foot. You yelp and scramble backward, tripping on your own feet before falling on your ass.

You moan in pain as your rub your pained butt, looking forwards at the monster that tripped you. It was.. Peter? "Peter? How did you get on the floor?" The window wasn't open, preventing the breeze from coming in. Even though you don't think a little breeze would knock over a plush bear. Your exposed legs closed as you move to crawl towards your bear.

In doing so, your towel got caught under your knee, pulling it down from your chest. There you sat, crawling towards your bear in the nude. You didn't really care, there was no one else but you home and besides, you walked around this house naked before. You got to your bear, taking hold of its.. Hot body?

Was it in the sun or something? His fur felt warm as well a pink tint on its cheeks. Maybe you just didn't see the pink outside. You stood up, holding the bear to your chest before placing it back on your bed. "Now you stay there, alright?" You say, pointing a finger at the grey bear before grabbing the items you need, making your way back to the bathroom.

The day went on with no more predicaments. You relaxed in your bath, ate as much as you wanted without annoying comments.. And soon enough the day was coming to an end. Changing into your pj's, you stripped once more in your room and threw on a t-shirt and some shorts.

Washing your face, you hopped back into your room and jumped onto the bed. Bouncing up and down with your new teddy, you smiled before pulling out your phone. You brought the bear under your arms, looking as though you're cuddling it as you scroll through social media.

Eventually, you got tired and put away your phone on the nightstand. Turning off your light, you rolled over, away from the plush before falling asleep. As the clock reached 12, your bed suddenly bore new weight.

Your bear disappeared from view, instead, a man took its place. Beside you, the man silently watched as you slept. He wore the same as his stuffy counterpart, but with the addition of black pants. Blue eyes, almost suffocating, stared at your unconscious body.

Feeling his grin widen, so did his boxers. "Oh darling, I almost couldn't control myself after that show you pulled earlier.." He whispered as his hand ghosted your cheek, almost touching your warm skin before stopping himself. He got off the bed, making his way to the other side, towards where you've turned.

Leaning down, his face stood in front of yours. His breathing turned heavy as he stared at your face. Cheeks dusted with red blush, a large tent formed in his pants. Soon, the pounding of his cock beneath his clothes became too much for him. Growing annoyed, he figured he can just relieve himself while watching you..

The next day was busy. Having to get up early, get ready for work, and whatnot. Thankfully, the shift seemed to end quickly. Although you hate it when it gets super busy, it does make the time fly by. When you got home, you kicked off your shoes and headed straight for the shower.

Walking in your room to grab your pj's, you smile as you spot Peter on the bed. "Hi Peter, did you get lonely when I was gone." You asked the stuffed animal.

...

Why are you talking to a plushie.

After your shower, you flopped down on your bed. Grabbing the bear, you set him on your chest as you stared into your phone. Peter couldn't see your face but did feel your breasts underneath him. Rising up and down from your breathing, he watched you as scrolled endlessly.

The first week went by quickly, your routine being work, shower, lounge around. Maybe do some chores here and there, obviously you had a little more control when your dad was out, and do some snack trips.

All the while, every night when the clock hits 12, your little bear would turn into a 6'5 man. Who is awfully obsessed with you. He wishes you would take him everywhere, feeling anger every time you leave him on the bed. But it's to be expected, you still only know of his toy form. That would change this week.

Only having a week until your father gets home, he doesn't want to miss his chance to introduce himself. He doesn't know why he waited this long anyway, I guess it's just so fun to watch your sleeping face as he.. Uh, does his 'activities'.

As of right now, it was about 11:50. Just 10 more minutes. He could wait that long. You had already gone to bed, sleeping like an angel, but facing away from him. He grumbled as the clock took its time ticking.

But alas, it struck midnight. He stretched his stiff body, staying in the same position every day unless you readjusted him. He moved his weight off the bed, walking over to the side where you lay before kneeling down.

He smiled as he leaned in close, feeling your soft breaths through your nose on his. Watching you sleep was a ritual, but recording every detail of you was a way of art. The way your nostrils flared slightly as you breathed out, your lips growing dryer throughout the night, and your beautiful open eyes..

Opened eyes?

The first thing you usually woke up to was either your nightstand or the ceiling. Not a pair of large, blue eyes. Wait, blue eyes? You shot up, away from the strange man as you scooted to the other side of your bed.

"Who are you." You shakily spoke, feeling around the bed for anything you could use as a weapon. In doing so, you realize your bear is now missing. Your eyes now pierce the stranger on the other side of the bed, not daring to move as he stares at you. Wait a minute..

He looks familiar. His clothing reminds you of your bear. As well as his eyes.. And skin too?? "Peter..?" You whisper, furrowing your brows. His eyes light up, a grin spreading across his face.

"Yes! I'm your boyfriend." He comes up on the bed, sitting in front of you as confusion racks your brain.

"Wait- Are you really my stuffed bear?" He nods. "But how? You're a stuffed BEAR! Not a human? Are you a cursed bear or something?" You look at his skin, trying to find any markings of curses or what not when he grabs your hands softly.

"I'm not cursed. I turn into a human at midnight each night." He smiles, rubbing his thumb over your hand. "You're really cute when you sleep." Bringing your hand up, he rubs his cheek against your palm, all the while as he stares at you.

Your mouth opens, flabbergasted at what you've just been told. Your bear can turn into a human. Each night. And he's been staring at you while you sleep?? "How come you didn't tell me before? You could have just woken me up."

"You're always so busy in the mornings, and I want you to get your beauty rest.~" He mumbles, rubbing his face into your hand. You let it happen, a bit weirded out but I mean, it is your bear. Your bear.. That saw you naked... MULTIPLE TIMES.

OH MY GOD.

Your cheeks suddenly flush, remembering all the times you've been naked in your room the past week. The first day burns into your mind. He takes notice of your blush, grinning as he guesses what you're thinking about.

"You know, I've seen your body so many times yet you have never seen mine." Great observation dude, this is the first time I'm learning about it too.

"What are you saying?" His rubbing stopped, seeing him lick his lips before bringing his head up. My hand falls onto my lap as he grins.

"If you want.. I could show you." He's offering to show you his body? Actually, you've never seen a man's body. In-person, of course. It's not like you haven't had boyfriends, but you never got close enough for 3rd base. This- your teddy bear is now offering to show you his junk.

...

You were a little curious.

"I've listened to the videos you watched, and albeit I'm still furious that you would look at other bodies while pleasuring yourself but, I've only ever heard male voices." Your face burned in shame. Completely forgetting most of the time that your bear was right beside you as you touched yourself, he was right.

Your history consisted of mostly guys jerking off. You just found it fascinating and fucking hot, how they came. The different ways they would touch themselves too, and their small groans of pleasure.. Thinking about this is getting you a little wet..

"Oh um well.." You didn't know what to say. 'Yes, I wanna see your dick.' ?? God you were such a virgin. He watched you with a smirk, watching as your eyes zoomed everywhere but his eyes. He could tell you wanted to say yes, but you were just too embarrassed. Cute.

Slowly, he grabbed hold of your hands and placed them on his chest. You let out a quick 'eep' as you felt his hard chest. Looking up towards him, his encouraging smile allowed you to run your hands over his shirt. Your hands were a bit shaky at first, but you kept telling yourself this was alright. It was your stuffed bear anyways.

Moving one hand down, you poked his belly button, making him laugh a bit. That seemed to ease you, moving your hands more freely around his chest. You got curious, wanting to see under the vest and shirt.

You inched your hands down, looking up at him as you do so. You flick your fingers under his shirt, slowly pulling it up. He stared at you and grinned, allowing you to do so. "My, so eager.."

"Shh!" You blushed as you lifted his shirt up. He took off his vest as you placed your hand just below his collar bone, holding up the shirt as your other hand cautiously touches his free skin.

His skin was cold, and grey. Flinching at your first touch, you watch in awe as his stomach clenches before relaxing. His belly button was small, a cute innie. Your hand moved up from his hips towards his nipples. They were a darker shade of grey than him, small as well.

You ran your fingers over his right one, instantly becoming hard from your touch. Your cheeks flushed with heat and color as he arched his back, pushing his chest out towards you. You softly pinched one, making him let out a soft moan. You immediately release his nipple and throw your hands up, shocked. His shirt fell after your hand left, as his eyes stared at you in confusion. "Did I do something wrong, darling?" His whispered voice made you want to writhe in excitement. You made a guy feel good! Even moan! Your fantasies were coming true, and oh boy were you gonna milk this.

"N-no.. I just got a little excited." You mumble, fanning yourself with your hands. His face morphed into one of pure delight, his cheeks dusted with the same pink as you. Lifting his hand up, he pulled his shirt up and grabbed one of your hands, placing your palm against his chest once more.

"Then by all means.. Continue to explore." You felt your legs twitch as you got even more aroused. Now with another free hand, you used both to play with his nipples. Twisting, flicking, pulling, all the while a large tent was forming under his pants. You wondered what it would feel like licking his nipples.. Should you- ask?

...

"Can I.. Can I lick them?" Peter almost creamed in his pants. Figuring you were too far though, he grabbed your waist and pulled you upon his lap.

"You can do whatever you want with me. I'm yours." He answered, begging in his head that you would do much more than lick his nips. You licked your lips as you stared at his swollen nipples, moving your head closer towards his chest before your mouth was almost touching one of them.

You opened your mouth, lolling out your tongue before giving a quick flick onto one of them. Peter's body flinched at the cold contact, creating a jolt of pleasure straight to his pelvis. You pulled his nipple into your mouth, twirling it around your tongue. He let out more moans, encouraging you to do more.

Softly biting into his skin, he continued to be at your mercy. You released him from your mouth, looking at the bite marks encased into his skin. You grinned, staring at his flushed face. "I didn't know you were so sensitive." You teased, trailing a finger around his abused nipple.

He smirked, deciding to say nothing but look down. Following his gaze, you suddenly realized that you were subconsciously grinding against his knee. You opened your mouth but closed it after not knowing what to say. God, how desperate were you?

"Didn't know you were so horny y/n." He let his shirt fall and grabbed your waist, moving you back and forth faster on his knee. You jolted and moaned, the feeling of someone else pleasuring you was far better than you expected.

"Mmm.. Oh god.." You clutched onto his shoulders as he swayed you, your shorts doing little to nothing in resistance, which you thanked. You jolted every time you moved, your breathing heavy as you felt nothing which you've felt before. You wanted more.

"Peter.. Do you wanna do it?" You moaned into his ear, still clutching onto his shoulders. He stopped moving you, softly pushing you off his knee and onto your back. Leaning over you, his wide blue eyes stared into yours. Rose dusted his cheeks as his tongue licked his lips.

"I've been waiting since day 1 to do this to you, darling." He leaned down, rubbing his head against your breasts. You bit your lip as your thighs trembled in anticipation. You could see his cock against his pants, trying to escape.

This would be your first time seeing a real cock. In person. Up close. And very, very, personal. He removed his head, touching his fingers against your shirt before pulling it off you. He stopped to admire, watching as your chest rises and falls, remembering the time he had sat there. God, you were so warm.

He moved down, pulling down your shorts. Easy enough, but he stopped at your underwear. Dragging his fingers over your clothed slit, you whined at the consistent pounding of your clit. "Patient love, like I have been.." He growled as he continued pushing into your clit. Due to how wet you were, your underwear soon became drenched at the constant pushing. He soon takes off your underwear, coming over you once more as he leaned down.

With the underwear in his hands, he takes a long lick up the cloth, sapping up all your juices. You watch, mouth agape. That was fucking hot. He smirked at your blinded reaction, too red to move. Throwing the panties on the ground, he pushed your legs up before spreading them apart.

Resting in front of you, it was now time for the grand show. "Are you ready to take me all dear?" He purred, reaching for his zipper.

"Yes! I want your cock inside me, please!" You cry, all the teasing from him was too much for your virgin self. He chuckled as he unzipped his pants, his cock almost protruding from his boxers. You breathed heavily as you stared at his erection. Such a pervert.

He brought down his boxers, pulling them down to his knees. There, his cock stood at full attention. "Is it- uh, always this big?" You gulped, seeing the size. He laughed, bringing a hand to your cheek, swiping his thumb against your skin.

"Only when I see you, darling."

"Will it fit?" You question.

Like an idiot.

"Of course it will. Don't worry, you'll only feel a little bit of pain. If it hurts, I'll take it out, alright?" He promised, giving you an oscar worthy smile. You relaxed a bit, trusting him enough to stick it in you. Just like your doctor.

You breathed out and nodded, confirming you still wanted to do it. He positioned himself over you, his tip touching your entrance. "Just relax, alright?" He leaned down, giving you the first kiss of the evening. Your lips mushed together, you being a bit less experienced but still, it was romantic.

Pulling away left a string of saliva, turning you on even more. He stroked himself over your slit before slowly pushing himself inside. The tip was alright, but past that it started to hurt. You grabbed onto his arms and squeezed, stopping him immediately. He nuzzled into your neck as you breathed, trying to relax.

As soon as you were ready, you nodded against his head. He kissed your shoulder before pushing himself further in. You breathed in and out, trying to relax. "I'm- in." He panted, resisting the urge to destroy you.

"Your so- b..big." You moan, clenching his arms. He chuckled, sweat growing on his forehead.

"Thank you dear, you're the perfect fit for me." He waited until you were alright, slowly pulling out as you gave him a nod. Pushing himself back in, you gasped. Continuing to do so slowly, pain turned into less pain before it turned into pleasure.

"F-faster." You moan into his ear. He complied happily, turning up the heat with his hips. The slapping of skin commenced in the room, panting and moans swirled around the 4 walls as sweat dripped.

His thrusts were hard, pushing himself in and out of your wet hole. His cock shone from your juices as he panted in your ear. Him being inside you excited you, but hearing his groans and pants? You thought you were already close to cumming.

His hands suddenly went to your hips, gripping into your skin as he pounded harder into you. Was he already close? His thrusts suddenly went wild, pounding into you harder and harder. You saw his thighs start to shake before he lets out a long, low groan.

Hot liquid shoots into you, leaving him blinded with pleasure. His hips go into auto as he pumps his seed into you, filling you up before he stops. Pulling out of you, a trail of liquids follows him out. Great, now you'll have to wash your sheets, but to be honest, that was far from your worries.

You hadn't even cum yet! You felt him all up, let him in and you don't even get to cum?? He lays next to you, panting. You watch as his breathing slows from hurried gasps. "Had fun?" You mumble, staring into his eyes.

"Yes, you felt amazing darling." He lifts himself up, before rolling to hover over you. You're trapped under his arms, smiling at what's about to happen. "Don't think I haven't felt your glares at me, I'll get you to cum too, dear~" He smirks as he leans down, head before your entrence.

Is he gonna..? After he put it in?!

That's hot.

You grin as you felt his hands trailing your thighs before clutching onto them. You start to feel his breath on your clit, waiting in anticipation for what's to come. You squeal as you felt the first lick. His long tongue spreading along your whole slit. It's so wet and warm, mixing with his own cum. He doesn't seem to mind though, lapping it all up along with your juices.

You moan as he gets into it, taking your clit into his mouth as he sucks. Placing a hand on his head, you softly urge him into you further, making him suck harder. Biting your lip, you muffle your moans as he twirls your clit along his tongue.

You buck your hips into his mouth, your breasts bouncing along with your body. You place your other hand onto your tit, rubbing and squeezing your nipple. It seems to boost your arousal, suddenly getting more and more sensitive.

You jolt and tremble under his tongue, squealing as the pleasure overwhelms you. You squeeze your tit hard, pushing his head into you as you buck widely into his mouth. Crying out as you cum, you see white. When that fades, you're left dazed. Your hands move back beside your hips, sprawling out onto the bed as Peter holds his head up from his job well done.

Licking his lips, he smiles as he sees you passed out from pleasure. He cleans you up, putting yours and his own clothes back on before tucking you under the bedsheets. Just as the sun rose, he gets back into his usual position, beside you.

Your dad comes back after a week since the incident. Well, the 'first' one at least. "Y/n! I'm home!" You run downstairs to greet your dad, pulling him into a hug. "Welcome back dad." You smile.

"So, did you like the bear?" He asks as he sets his coat on the rack. You grin, nodding.

"He was great companionship!"

#your boyfriend #your boyfriend visual game #yourboyfriendgame #ybxreader #your boyfriend x reader

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lucy90712 · 3 years ago

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Fabio Quartararo- Secret

If you'd have told me a few years ago when I first started in moto3 that I would make it to MotoGP with the top Yamaha team I wouldn't have believed you and if you would have told me that I'd be dreading it I would say you were crazy but here we are. Having achieved my dream sure feels good but there is so much pressure on me to do well being the first woman to reach the top class and being with the team that won the championship last year it's a lot. The mountain of articles asking if I'm really good enough to be where I am or trying to find anything bad to say about me has been weighing on my shoulders like a ton of bricks the entire off season. As much as it's been a lot to handle I've been using the negativity as motivation to push myself harder in training and put in all the laps I can in testing which has done me pretty well as I was lapping in the top 5 for the majority of the tests.

Another problem I have is my boyfriend. You see while I was in Moto2 I started dating Fabio and we never told anyone as we wanted to keep things private and not have any media attention on us, but now we are teammates and have been told that there shouldn't be any funny business between us which very much includes dating. That has been my biggest worry the entire off season as there is no way I'm breaking up with Fabio because he's been the best thing that's ever happened to me but we are going to have to be more careful than ever to not get caught together or else it will ruin everything. Fabio has told me not to worry so much but for him it's so much easier Yamaha are hardly going to get rid of the world champion for dating his teammate but they sure will get rid of the rookie for doing the same, there is also the added thing of what the media will think about us and I just know for a fact they will say that I used Fabio to get my seat if they find out about us.

Now that we have reached the first gp in Qatar I'm more nervous than ever I've barely slept the entire week and I know I've been acting differently as people have asked me many times if I'm ok which I have to lie and say I'm just nervous for my first race but it's so much more than that. Fabio has been doing his best to keep me calm and whenever he can he will hold my hand around the paddock, as we go to an interview or will kiss my cheek quickly as we leave each other as long as no one is around. It's been nice to know he still cares about me and understands how I feel but I'm just always on edge that someone will come around the corner when we are kissing and we will be found out before we even get on the bikes.

With it being our media day there is a lot of interviews and press conferences for me to do as well as a lot of cameras in my face but that's what I get for being not only a rookie but the first woman to ride in the class, everyone wants to watch my every move and criticise me where they can. Some of the interviews I have done so far have been great and the interviewer has praised me on my achievements and not tried to tear me down but others and the majority have been less kind. It's starting to get boring hearing the same criticism again and again and having to give the same answer a million times it's making me question my own ability even though I know I can do this and it's what I've wanted since I was a little kid so I can't give up now. Pretty much everything I've done so far has been on my own but for the rest of the day I have interviews alongside Fabio which hopefully should make my day a bit better even if the questions are still awful at least he will be there.

The first thing we have to do together is a little team interview and Fabio is trying to convince me that they will ask more questions to him as he's been in the team longer and is the world champion but I can't help but not believe him as if I've gathered anything from my experience so far it's that everyone is interested in what I do. We got to the interview early and so were sat alone in the room which Fabio took as his chance to hold my hand under the table and squeeze it to reassure me but as soon as we heard a noise he let go and acted like nothing was going on. The interview started well as they mostly talked to Fabio about the world championship and the new bike for the season but then they turned to me and that's when it all went down hill.

"So y/n are you feeling the pressure of being the first woman in the class?" the interviewer asked

"Honestly I am a little bit as there is a lot of expectations on me but I feel confident and I've been training hard so I will be giving it my everything out there at all times" I answered

"What do you have to say to those who think you can't compete on the same level as the men in the paddock?" The guy asked

"Well I'd say I'm more than capable I have won the Moto2 championship just like some of the others in the paddock so I don't see my ability as any different to theirs" I replied getting a little annoyed with the question

"So you don't think being a woman disadvantages you?" He questioned

"In what ways do you mean?" I asked back curious as to what he'd say

"Well in terms of physical strength and mental strength as well as height" he explained

"I'd like to jump in here y/n is incredible we trained together a little during testing and she's just as strong as I am physically and mentally she's even stronger after everything she's had to battle to get here and height doesn't matter at all as long as you can ride the bike well none of it matters" Fabio interjected

"Ok then thank you guys for the interview" the guy said getting up and leaving us in the room

Fabio looked at me stunned so I nodded my head to confirm that that's what I've been dealing with all day and in response he just shook his head and pulled me into a hug. He whispered how sorry he was in my ear and he promised to always defend me where he could which I appreciated but was also a little nervous about because it could easily be twisted to be made to seem like we were dating which is true but they don't need to know that.

~~~~~~~~~~

I've managed to survive over half the season and have actually been doing really well in fact I've only finished outside the top 10 twice, once when my bike had a mechanical fault and once when another rider took me out which I've been so happy with but I haven't won a race yet. Despite the great results I'm still being dragged by the media every second to the point that I feel awful for my pr and everything he has to keep up with even though it's out of my control. As expected there has been rumours of me dating about every guy in the the paddock that I've been seen with but luckily for me and Fabio the media are convinced me and Jorge Martin are together because we spend a lot of time together as we used to race together back in the lower classes and are good friends. Fortunately Jorge doesn't care and will just shut down any rumours if he has to which has been a great help as no one believes me when I say anything.

This weekend is a big one for me as we are at my favourite track that I've always done well at and I'm determined to keep that going and hopefully win my first race here. So far it's going well and I've been topping all the sessions and qualified 2nd on the grid which I'm happy with as Fabio is in pole position and I know he won't do anything stupid into the first corner. The team are also very hopeful for a good result from the both of us but they are making sure not to put too much pressure on me as they know I'm a rookie and anything could happen in the race. That's been one thing that has helped me to do so well this season as the team never put pressure on me and if I do bad they just want to understand what I'm struggling with to help me they don't get annoyed that I can't do the same as Fabio. It's been so nice to have so many people supporting me no matter what everyone else thinks and honestly that's what has kept me going so far as without the team and Fabio always encouraging me I would not be in a good place right now.

Now that I'm actually waiting on the grid on my bike the nerves are really starting to kick in but luckily we still have a few minutes for me to calm myself down again. As usual I got off the bike once I was allowed and crouched down by the floor, I'm not quite sure why I started doing this but now I do it to stay out of view of some of the cameras and to get myself focussed for the race which surprisingly helps a lot as I can just focus on myself and nothing else around me. While in the zone I felt a tap on my shoulder which I expected to be one of my engineers asking a question about a setting or something but when I took up it was Fabio stood next to me with a smile on his face, he crouched down next to me and out an arm over my shoulders which had me very confused as he doesn't usually do this that was until he started to speak.

"You're going to do great I just know it don't stress just think of it like any other race and you'll do just fine" he whispered in my heart so that no one else could hear

"Thank you also please don't do anything stupid into the first corner" I joked

"I'll try my best but you know me sometimes I get a little crazy" he laughed

We both stood up together and he gave me a proper hug before he walked to his bike next to mine and started his own pre race preparation. Weirdly hearing his voice and encouragement made me feel a lot more confident, adrenaline was rushing through my veins which made all the anxiety disappear replacing it with excitement for the lights to go out.

~~~~~~~~~~

3..2..1.. lights out. Right away my bike launched off the start a bit quicker than I expected but I just about managed to keep it under control into the first corner where I shot past Fabio into the lead. If the adrenaline wasn't rushing through me before it definitely is now I felt like I was on top of the world leading a MotoGP race for the first time at my favourite track. I led for a few corners before Pecco came down the inside and overtook me which pushed me out slightly wide but I managed to not lose too much time to whoever was behind me. The time I had lost meant there was a slight gap to Pecco in front of me but after having followed him during fp4 I knew where his weaknesses were so my main focus was closing the gap to be able to use those weaknesses to overtake again. By the time we had got to the straight I was right behind him although I thought that wouldn't last long as the Yamaha doesn't have a lot of straight line speed but to my surprise the slip stream really helped and I got past him just in time for the first corner where I managed to break in time and keep my line leaving me in front again.

Our battle went on for a few more laps ending with me in front every time until a lap went by where nothing happened so as I went by the pit wall I tried to look at my pit board which said I had almost a 2 second gap to Fabio behind me which I had to assume meant Pecco had crashed out or at least made a big mistake. Even though I had a sufficient gap with the amount of laps remaining I still wanted to keep pushing to really show everyone out there what I'm capable of and that I won't just settle for a result like they seem to think I do. As I went by on the next lap the gap had increased to 2.3 seconds and the team were trying to tell me that they were happy and I didn't have to push anymore but I didn't want to stop so I kept going but I tried to be as careful as possible and not taking unnecessary risks.

Eventually the last lap came and the the final corner and then I crossed the line. It wasn't until I'd slowed down round a few corners that it really sunk in that I'd just won my first race I mean I knew it the second I crossed the line but it took a moment to really understand what that meant. On the way back round to pit lane everyone came up to me to say congratulations and pat me on the back which was really nice as I haven't talked too much with some of the other riders on the grid. Coming down pit lane to parc ferme fans and the team were cheering my name which also felt so surreal, all my dreams were coming true and I wanted nothing more than to savour every moment. I pulled into parc ferme to see Fabio's bike in the second place position and Jorge's in third, both my boyfriend and my best friend were there to join me in my first win this really is like a dream.

Not even 2 seconds after I'd got off the bike the team were lifting me in the air and all congratulating me. Once they put me down I took my helmet off and handed it to my crew chief so that I could do my interviews as well as talk to the others. I didn't get chance to actually go over to Fabio as the second I was done with the team he ran over and hugged me so tightly that my feet lifted off the floor, I wanted to kiss him so badly then and there but I knew I couldn't not just because of the media but because of the team they'd kill me if they found out about us. He clearly felt the same as he hugged me for slightly longer than you'd hug a friend and used the opportunity to whisper how proud of me he was in my ear which only made my smile bigger if that was even possible. Once he let go he was taken away to do his interview which I watched from where I was stood and heard him talking about me and saying he was happy to be second to me which was sweet.

Next was my interview and for once I was praised for my race and I was given a chance to talk about the good parts of the race not one stupid mistake I made or when I lost a place. I actually loved doing the interview but I was dragged away to the podium to get my trophy which I was so excited about as I know exactly where I'm going to put the trophy so I can see it everyday when I'm at home. Once up by the podium I started jumping about behind the scenes because I was so excited but I didn't have to wait long before I got to head to the top step of the podium where the entire Yamaha team were cheering as well as some the pramac team which was really nice of them. I got my trophy and listened to the national anthem before chaos ensued and I was showered in champagne before I could even open mine but once it stopped I got both Fabio and Jorge back as well as spraying some at the team as best I could from a distance but I still ended up more covered than anyone else.

As much as I wanted to celebrate with Fabio back at the motorhome we both had media to do but first I had the chance to clean up a little bit so that I wasn't completely covered in champagne. Just as I came out of my motorhome Fabio came out the door by the back of the garage so I ran over quickly and jumped into his arms and luckily he caught me before I could fall. He kept hold of me as he pressed a kiss to my lips which I have been waiting for since the end of the race, the kiss didn't last long as we wanted to be careful not to get caught and when we pulled away he put me down and I stood away to make it seem like we were just talking. Our first interviews were in the same room so we both walked together joking about like we always do as its how we usually are but it also helps to keep up our image as good friends. Along the way we had so many people take pictures of us and try to ask questions as we walked but we ignored them as we've been told to do by our pr managers.

Media for me was the best its ever been and I didn't hear a single snide comment or get asked any condescending questions which was so shocking to everyone that even my pr was impressed that he didn't have to stop any questions being asked like he usually has to do. By the time I was done I was in such a good mood but that was ruined when I caught back up with Fabio at the garage as he looked really nervous and stressed which isn't like him after a race especially. There was no time for me to ask questions as Lin and a few other members of the team came out and said we needed to have a meeting and right away I knew what it was going to be about and I suddenly felt incredibly nervous that I was going to lose my seat right after getting my first win and finally being accepted into the sport.

We went into the meeting and Fabio sat next to me holding my hand under the table to reassure me but also himself I imagine as I could see the fear over what was going to happen in his eyes. We had talked about a situation like this happening a few times before and then we always promised to stick by each other but if it comes down to having to choose between each other and racing I don't know that the promise would last as racing is both of our dreams. All of a sudden my win felt very insignificant and all I was worried about was just keeping my seat to be able to race again next weekend. I felt so sick waiting for someone to say something it was like we sat in silence for hours even though it was probably a matter of seconds.

"So we need to discuss something with you two what is this picture?" Lin asked showing us a picture of us from earlier when we were kissing behind the garage which made my heart sink

"Umm well we're together and its not a new thing we've been together since I was in moto2" I started

"We know its against the rules and that we should have said something but we didn't want to have to break up and I think being together has made us better riders as we can support each other outside of a race weekend" Fabio added

"Don't look so worried you two we aren't angry" Lin said

"Wait what" I questioned

"You may think you're good at hiding it but the entire team have known for a while and we've been waiting to have a meeting about it because although the contract says no dating we want to remove that because as long as you can promise if you were to break up you can be civil we think you are making each other batter racers" Lin explain

"Of course we can do that although we don't plan on breaking up" Fabio said

We both thanked everyone so many times after we sorted everything out because we were just that relieved that they let us stay together and were fine with us posting about it if we wanted to so we don't have to keep it a secret from anyone. I really thought this day was going to go downhill when we were called into this meeting but its actually got better and now I can really celebrate my first win properly. The second we got out of the meeting Fabio pulled me to his motorhome and as soon as the door was shut he pulled me into one of the most passionate kisses we've ever had which was much needed after all the emotions I've been through today. He kept hold of me and we talked about all the things we can do now everyone knows like walking around holding hands and not sneaking into each other's motorhomes in the middle of the night. Of course there is going to be many challenges but at least now we can face them together instead of apart which is what I've been longing for since I started in motogp.

#Fabio Quartararo #fabio quartararo fluff #fq20 #motogp one shots #MotoGP #motogp imagines #motogp fluff

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 4 years ago

Text

Looking for a Place to Happen 3

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape (series), age gap, general stupidity, some violence and threats, toy play, forced masturbation, some content not warned.

This is dark!biker!Sam Wilson x reader and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s lots happening in Birch and you find it all too amusing.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, Little Bones, and Fully Completely

Note: Again, I’m always grateful to anyone who reads. Take care.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 3: Wayward ho, away we go

💀💀💀

You bent and picked up your phone. The screen protector was cracked and peeling. You lifted it off and checked for any real damage. The stream had ended but it was still operational. You tucked it away as you looked between the bikers and grabbed your jacket.

“Well, thanks for the show,” you headed for the door but found yourself shadowed.

You swung the door out into the cold and that man, Sam, followed you onto the beaten down snow across the sidewalk. He stopped you before you could evade him and cross the street. You turned back and squinted at him.

“You know, I didn’t even get to pay my tab,” you pulled away from him roughly.

“So, do I get a name yet?” he asked.

“You guys are weird,” you grimaced, “no.”

“Come on, I just saved your ass,” he crossed his arms as his breath fogged before him, “I mean, you kinda owe me.”

“Maybe your friends need to learn to control their tempers,” you scoffed and hopped over the snow to cross the street. As you expected, he kept on and as you came to the other side, you turned on him. “Look, dude, you know that whole hard-to-get thing is a myth. I’m not interested.”

He chuckled under his breath and shoved his hands into his coat, “sure,” he smirked, “I can’t let you walk home alone. Not after you go and insult the whole club. Do you really not know the shit that is aimed in your direction right now?”

“Are you talking about yourself or…” you said wryly and spun back to your path, “it’s a small town, I’ll make it home.”

“Oh yeah, it is a small town,” he caught up to you and kept step with you, “you think I don’t already know where you live?”

You ignored him and zipped up your jacket as the cold began to seep in. As he said your name, you stopped short. A chill went through you that wasn’t the winter.

“You’re a creep,” you said.

He laughed again and slung his arm over your shoulder. You tried to wiggle him off but he kept you firmly in place against him. He began to walk, pushing you forward across cracked edges of ice left from diligent shovels.

“Honey, let me tell you something, what I did back there, you’re not just walking away scot-free, you get that? You want me gone? Well, then you can find out what happens without me watching your back,” he said as he squeezed you, “I can go back right now and tell those boys it’s free hunting. You won’t make it past the corner.”

You stiffened and shifted. You were never the brightest, you made dumb decisions, but you knew then this was worse than any before. Your fun time was really a big fucking mistake. How many warnings did you need before you realised how stupid you really were? It wasn’t just a meme, it was like the godfather sent a horse head straight to your door.

“Hmm, don’t think I’ve ever seen you so quiet,” he mused as his arm slipped and his hand went to the small of your back. He turned you down your street and you glanced around at the familiar houses, “listen, you’re probably scared shitless right now? Or should be if you were smart enough to notice the gun on my buddy’s hip? Or the one on mine?”

“Is this how you always get girls?” you croaked through your dry mouth as you closed in on your nan’s house.

“I’m sure other guys like the whole snarky manic pixie dream girl thing you got going on, but I’m not other guys,” he returned as he stopped you just at the end of your grandmother’s walk, “and you didn’t just fuck around with a couple of bikers tonight, you insulted the whole club. In fact, I’m a little pressed about it myself.”

He reached out and slid two fingers into your jacket pocket. He took your phone out and turned it in his hand.

“No more of this,” he put it in his back jean pocket, “not tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow and we’ll go over the rest of it but�� if I see one TikTok or one meme, I’m going to be knocking on that window just above your bed.”

You blanched and peeked over your shoulder. The curtains moved as you caught your nan’s grey hair disappear behind it. You put on that stubborn pout you always got when things didn’t go your way and narrowed your eyes.

“You know this isn’t normal, right?” you whined.

He snickered and puffed out his chest, “this is Birch. This is how things go.” He reached out and ran his thumb over your chin, “you’re young, you’ll learn.” He winked and looked over at your nan’s house and waved with two fingers. “Tell the old lady I say hi,” he grinned, “but I can always tell her tomorrow.”

You scrunched your lips as felt like folding inward. He turned and strode off back down the street, his shadow fading into those cast by the streetlights. You sighed and headed up the walk and pounded your soles up the stairs. You let yourself in but faced another obstacle in your night.

Your nan sucked on a cigarette as she watched you unzip your coat.

“I thought you quit,” you said as you hung your coat on the rack.

“I thought I told you to stay away from the club,” she sniffed.

“Well… I tried,” you lied poorly.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure you did,” she flicked the ash into the carpet without concern, “I’m an old lady now, I can’t help you.”

“He’ll go away. He’s just… you know how guys are,” you knelt to undo your boots.

“I do, do you?” she challenged, “I don’t remember many boyfriends gracing my stoop.”

“He’s not--”

“That man will make himself whatever he wants to be,” she gristled, “that’s how they work.”

“Look,” you stood and rubbed your forehead, “I know I fucked up. Can you just--”

“Oh, I won’t just,” she snapped, “let me tell you something, don’t be afraid to grab a man by the balls and twist. It saved me a lot of trouble.”

“Nan--”

“I’m not saying you should, just giving you options,” she puffed out smoke, “but you gotta be smart and make the shot count.”

“I don’t… get it,” you blinked.

“You will know,” she tilted her head, “women got a sixth sense. You’ll find out soon enough.”

💀

Your nan’s words stuck in your head. Your day off was no longer as exciting. You woke with a knot in your stomach and a dull stone behind your eye. You descended to join your grandmother for coffee, restless as you didn’t have your phone to keep you busy. You fidgeted and drank the bitter brew without a hit of sugar or milk.

There was a lingering shade of dread as the wise widow’s words swirled in your head with the strange man’s promise. He said he’d be back, he didn’t say what time, he didn’t say for what, but he said he would. As much as you rolled your eyes at the club, those men proved they had conviction and Sam had shown himself to be persistent.

You ate porridge with cinnamon and fake sugar. Your grandmother’s daily fare. You left her to her crosswords and her ramblings about the daily news. You told her to change the channel and lighten up before you went. She quipped back at you to “smarten up” and for once, you had no rebuttal; she was right, it was only that it was likely too late.

You sat in bed and watched Netflix. You had your laptop but you didn’t dare look at your TikTok as it just reminded you of the night before. It all began to sink in as you felt the thick arm around your neck and heard the rough gristle of the boss’ voice. You only realised then how close you’d been to biting it and it made your skin crawl.

Hours passed and you began to pace and fuss around with random pens and books. Maybe he forgot, maybe he wasn’t coming. Maybe it had all been threats to make you stop. Well, it worked and you would delete your TikTok once you got the nerve to open it.

Then you heard the heavy boots on the stairs and the pounding at your door extinguished the hope disguised as doubt. You cringed and stood in one place as you couldn’t bring yourself to move. You crossed your arms and chewed your lip.

You were very bad at thinking things through. You didn’t consider that you hardly knew this man, though the fact was plain in your mind. You didn’t consider that you’d rarely been alone with a man. You didn’t consider that you knew exactly what his vulgar looks and suave words meant and that your denial could not erase them and all of these things were obvious and unavoidable.

A tapping came at the window beside the door and he waved to you as the blur in your vision cleared. You bit down on the inside of your lip and made yourself cross to the door. He turned the handle as you did and pushed his way past your reticence. He stepped in as you stumbled back.

You were good at acting cool, at being the quirky friend, the goofball, but when it came down to it, you were just clueless. It was better to seem apathetic and not let on how much of a loner you really were. You always wanted to be one of the cool kids but never really were.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he kicked the snow off his boots and it powdered over the mat, “this is a cute little place you have.”

“Alright, alright, I get it, I’m scared, okay? I’ll delete everything and won’t do it again,” you raised your hands defenselessly, “you made your point--”

“Have I?” he sniffed as he let his leather jacket fall down his arms, “because I’ve been thinking all day. How to punish you. You see, these things, you have to be punished. That’s the rules.”

“I…” you backed away from him slowly as he sat in the wicker chair behind the door and unlaced his boots.

“Not my rules, the club’s,” he said flatly, “now, don’t be lookin’ at me like that because if I’d left you with those other boys, you’d be in the rubble of that garage.”

You gulped and hugged yourself as your eyes rounded. His eyes clung to you and he grinned as he stood.

“Well, I know you’re telling the truth at least,” he said, “you’re scared.”

He neared and walked past you. He circled you and slapped your ass. You flinched and he chuckled. You were startled at how quickly he’d disassembled you. You tried to ready yourself mentally all day for his arrival and yet you could never be prepared for that instance.

He strode along the other side of the bed and pulled out the top drawer of your night stand. He shuffled through your things and slammed it. He turned back and went to your dresser and slid out the slender drawer of necklaces and random receipts. He felt around blindly and you heard the familiar roll against the wooden bottom.

“Ah, jackpot,” he pulled out the silicone vibe and spun it between his fingers as you watched him over your shoulder, “I knew a girl once, kept it hidden under her mattress, another had this vase on her desk… but mostly, no one puts much thought into hiding when no one’s looking.”

“What are--”

“Shhhh,” he hushed you as he put his finger against his lips, “it’s a very simple punishment and if I’m being honest, and let’s be clear I’m being very generous here, it’s not much punishment at all.” He took your hand and pushed the vibe against your palm, “you just gotta use that.”

You furrowed your brows as his warm hand closed yours around the silicone and he squeezed. You trembled and he let you go as he winked.

“Chop, chop,” he clapped his hands, “I can always come up with something else.”

You searched his face as he backed up and leaned on your dresser, arms crossed over his thick chest as his biceps bulged through his long sleeves. You peered down at the toy in your hands and traced the subtle curve with your thumb.

“Get comfortable, honey,” he coaxed, “when you finish, we’re done… for tonight.”

You were breathless as you turned away from him. Your head spun and you recounted all your mistakes as they rushed over you. You were so stupid. You couldn’t blame anyone but yourself but that didn’t make it any easier.

And you couldn’t do it. Even alone, you were always filled with the sense that everyone knew what you were doing with the vibe. That some lurker would hear you and expose your secret. A guilt atoned only in your pleasure.

“Tick, tock,” he chirped as you heard the wood groan against his weight, “you need help?”

“N-no,” you stuttered and dropped the toy on the bed.

You fumbled with your fly for what felt like forever. Your hands were shaking so bad and stopped as you asked yourself what you were doing. What you had to. You had no doubt in his promises. You were learning the hard way like you always did.

You shimmied your jeans down and slid them to your ankles. You got up on the bed and he tutted.

“Panties,” he snapped his fingers, “don’t be shy.”

You didn’t look at him as you lifted your ass and tugged down your panties. You kept your legs together as you unhooked them from your ankles and shoved them aside. You cleared your throat and reached for the toy as his figure loomed along the top of your vision. You clicked the button and stared at the buzzing vibrator.

“Almost there, honey,” he purred, “I’m starting to think you’re liking this already.”

You sucked in your breath and pushed your legs apart as you closed your eyes. You put your hand on the bed behind you and leaned back as you shoved the toy against your cunt and hissed as it rolled over your clit. You cupped it with your palm and moved it over your bud as the ripples flowed from your core.

You clamped your lips in your usual habit. You held in the moans that threatened and tried to ignore the soft breath of the man in the room. Your whole body was alight with shame and lust fed by the vibrations. You dropped your head forward and winced as you sensed him come closer.

“Oh, honey, look at you just diving right in,” he taunted, “that’s it… you don’t gotta be quiet with me.”

“St-st-stop,” you rasped out, “I can’t--”

“You are,” he slithered, “now keep going. I see you getting close already.”

You squeezed your eyes tight and gripped the toy between two fingers and swirled the tip around your clit. You wanted it to be over and despite yourself, his voice fed your need for release. You hummed between your teeth and arched your back as you rocked your hips against the vibe hungrily.

“Mm mm mm, honey, I don’t think you could handle a man,” he teased.

You gasped and panted as you felt the pressure pulse and you sped up. Your other arm shook and collapsed as you fell onto your back and writhed as you closed your legs around your hand and the toy. You came with a whimper as your body shook and you turned onto your side as the orgasm echoed through you.

“Very good,” he cooed and you felt a dip in the bed. You opened your eyes as he leaned his knee on the edge, “smile for the camera, honey.” You gaped at the lens of your phone and snickered as he lowered it, “now that… I think that might go viral.”

“Wha-- No,” you sat up and reached out as he stepped back and you nearly toppled over the side of the bed.

“Hmm, I might keep it to myself,” he tapped his fingertip against the back of the phone, “I don’t really like to share…” he faced you again and tucked the phone away, “I usually keep my girls to myself.” You blinked and bent your legs as you tried to cover your bottom half. He pushed his chest out and exhaled, “you are mine, right, honey?”

#sam wilson #dark sam wilson #dark!sam wilson #sam wilson x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #series #sequel #birch #biker boys of birch #biker au #biker!au #marvel #mcu #captain america #falcon #tfatws #avengers

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